A Safety Guide to New City-Funded Enrichment Pits

As many of our readers are aware, the city is constructing enrichment pits (“green street planters”) along certain street corners in our neighborhood. We spoke with a city enrichment pit specialist to learn how we can safely interact with these exciting new street features:

Q: Will they stay giant pits or will there be plants in there soon? Might we suggest catnip?

A: The city is just entering the plant establishment season, so they will soon be filled with soil and plants! Unfortunately, catnip cannot be used, as it would likely choke out the other plants.

Q: How munchable are the plants in there?

A: Not munchable—the plants will help treat stormwater runoff by uptaking the urban detritus (street nasties), so they might taste like tire and cigarettes.

Q: Can we poop in there?

A: You should not poop in there because that could create a biohazard situation! We cannot stop poop anarchy, but we highly recommend burying your treasure in a more secretive location.

Q: If we cannot munch or poop in there, what the heckums do you suggest we use them for?

A: You may whisper wishes into them, meet a lover in them, start a secret society in them, or use them for general mischief! You can also simply look at them from your window and wonder what secrets lie within.

We asked our neighbors for comment on the new infrastructure. Otter said, “what’s construction?”—a clueless icon that must be protected at all costs.

Special thanks to Clayton for his contributions to this story.